napping with auntie rachel

dinner at otani’s

cora & papaw

cora napping at nana and gramps’ house

getting ready for ali’s shower

cora with nana & great grandma

and a bunch from ali’s shower:

the centerpieces (inspired by pinterest)

because she does!

the candy bar

lemon macarons

the treat bags

lyrics by rascal flatts. image.

i remember being a little kid, pre-pre teen and catching my mom opening my bedroom door at what was “the middle of the night” to me, but was probably only 10 or 11 at night. i asked her what she was doing and she told me she was checking on me. “for what”, i asked. “to make sure you are okay”.  i thought this was SOOOOO WEEEIIIRRDDDD. why wouldn’t i be okay?  and why was she “checking” on me at night?  and here i am, 20 years later, sneaking into my babies’ room during nap time. checking on them to make sure they are okay.

i have turned into my mother.

when i found out that i was going to have daughter last year, it kind of threw me for a loop. having a little girl and being her mother seemed like such a scary proposition. i had to rethink a lot of the choices i had made. was it still okay to be a stay at home mother?  or should i get a job so i could show her you can have a wonderful, fulfilling family life while also working outside the home? essentially, i felt like i had to really figure out what i wanted for her and how i best wanted to represent it.

and i was a little afraid. not because i thought she would be like me or make the same mistakes i did. i knew that like all children, she would likely be a mix of both her parents and her own unique, awesome qualities. maybe because i didn’t have the best relationship with my mom. it was riddled with conflict and misunderstandings. and she didn’t have the best relationship with her mom.  was this something destined to repeat itself here, with my daughter? i was filled with guilt for both having that thought, but also for all the things i felt like i would do wrong. i am not good at clothes or make up. i have never been proud of my body or had a ton of self confidence. i was afraid i would say the wrong thing at some critical point in her life and she would hold it against me. i had never felt that i was enough, and i was scared i wouldn’t be enough for my daughter. and when i had that thought, i felt like maybe that was it right there. i had to be enough. and not in the “i have to make myself into a good mom” kind of way, but more i have to believe i am enough. right here, and right now, i am enough. i have to be confident in the choices i am making, in the body that is carrying life within it, in the life that i have worked so hard to create. and becoming that confident woman and living it by example was what i had to do for my girl.

this doesn’t mean i am always right or always happy or a size two. what it means, though, is that i am enough for my children and my husband. i am enough for my friends and family. i am enough for me. and that i believe it. everyday. in all my interactions. (and, i am still working on it everyday, too.) and when i thought about it, that is what i wanted for my children, too. whether or not they have a partner, a great job, a rocking body or children of their own, my greatest success would be to aid them in the belief that they, alone, are enough.

i didn’t know what it would be like to be a mom until i had kids. i understood parenthood academically. i expected many of the changes. i expected to be plagued with sleeplessness, inconvenienced by tantrums and fully engulfed in the food wars. but i never thought i wouldn’t be able to sleep at night because i was worried my few day old baby wasn’t breathing. or that i would be afraid to not eat because it would effect my milk supply. all the moms i know have worries like these – they seem so trivial until you have a kid. a kid who is relying on you to be fed, to be safe, to have boundaries and to give them a framework and a structure at home. and we all have our things – some of us are more worried about sleep or vegetables or education. and since becoming a mother, i think the biggest thing i have learned is that all mothers (at least the ones i know) are enough. we are all doing our best. and i think that on mother’s day it is important to be a support, not just to the family that relies on you to run the home, make the dinner or tuck the kids in, but also to the others moms in your life – the ones who make different choices than you and are simply doing their best for their families. because we are all enough.

i am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and the most adorable children in the world. i am grateful that i can even celebrate being a mother and that i get to spend the day with my family. but, i am also so grateful for all the moms in my life. grateful that i have their support and love and their feedback.  and that i get to spend part of my mother’s day with them, too.

other wonderful things:

this article.

this video.

these pictures.

HAPPY MAMA’S DAY!  Tomorrow I am going to kiss my children and thank them for making me a mother. I am going to kiss my husband for the part he took in it, too. I am going to get a pedicure with some of my favorite moms. And then I am going to order some dinner for my family and take the night off so I can just be their mom. What are your plans/hopes/dreams/desires for the day?

dear cora bear,

you are the sweetest thing in the world. in the last month you have become so engaged, expressive and communicative. you have also gotten immensely more adorable. i have no idea what it is, but you have definitely turned it on in a way you weren’t doing it before. you are still full of smiles and happy baby gurgles.

physically, you are killing it!  on your five month birthday, you rolled once from your back to your tummy. by the next day we couldn’t put you down without you rolling onto your tummy. these days (about a week later) you are already rolling all over your activity mat and the living room floor. i wouldn’t be surprised if you followed in henry’s foot steps and begin crawling soon. it is crazy to think we could have 2 little movers in a few months! gah!

speaking of henry, you are in love with that kid. you watch him continually all day and want to be where he is. i have a feeling you are really by the whole laying down on the ground thing when you can see henry playing just beside you. you love any and all attention he gives you. and when you are close to him you like to reach out and grab him or his toys. he has been exceptionally generous with you and usually lets you take his toys. and lately, he has been doing this cute thing where he get close to you and when you bump him or grab him with a hand he acts like you punched him and falls to the floor in a fit of giggles. he thinks you are the funniest thing around. i hope it can always be that way between the two of you. i know some of the funniest things in my life are the inside jokes i share with my brother.

you are still a great eater and seem to be pretty interested in food. recently you grabbed a piece of orange right out of my hand and shoved it in your mouth. i think the fact that you didn’t really know how to chew prevented you from really tasting the orange, but it was cute and endearing. and we will probably start solids within the next month. your sleep has been steadily improving, too. we started sleep training and you seem to be taking to it.  i am so proud of you, figuring out how to fall asleep on your own. i know it is hard work for someone your age and i am so thrilled with the progress you make!

you love your dad, too. in fact, he was the first one to make you laugh just a few days ago by rubbing his chin into your belly. i think its his beard – he got henry the same exact way! you guys like to watch you tube videos together and play words with friends on dad’s cell phone. you also love the morning snuggles you get together.

but, lots of people have said to me, after witnessing the two of us together, that you really love me. you smile so big when i am around. if someone is holding you and i am in the room, you just stare at me until i come and get you. if you are crying, you calm down nearly the instant i pick you up. i feel lucky to have you love me so much.  and i love you so so much, too.

the last month seems to have really solidified a lot of the bonds that we share. i am not really sure i can articulate it clearly, but we are totally on the same page a lot of the time. and sometimes, its like you look at me in such a way to communicate ” i understand mommy and i love you, too”.  while out and about, various people have commented that you have “wise eyes” or you are an “old soul”.  I am still not quite sure what those things mean, but i think i agree. when i look it you, it is like you have a knowingness about you. like you are aware of what is going on in a much deeper and broader way. i am sure this sounds ridiculous and schmaltzy, but it is how i feel.

cora, you are such a delightful and amazing baby. you are happy and beautiful and your being is perfect. i have been so intimidated by having a daughter. the bond between mother and daughter seems so sacred but also fragile and delicate. there is so much that i am afraid of doing wrong. i hope i can be a good mother for you, that i can be a loving, accepting and supportive person in your life. i hope we can share things with one another and be honest. i hope you can see me for who i am and know how much i love you. i hope i can see you for who you are, too. we are only five months into this journey, cora, and i have no idea how i ever managed it without you.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

your mama

at the park

cute henry loving milk

cute cora loving her mommy

at the park again

ipad time in bed

instagram cora

then we went to a nearby park (now has several really great parks) and henry and roy practiced being pitcher and catcher, respectively. if only this was actually a predictor of the future.

getting ready. this picture cracks me up.

henry’s trucks. we have like 8 of these little guys around and henry usually leaves the house with one in each hand.

henry intereacting with cora.

we made it to breakfast. cora slept in the stroller. henry was good fro about 5 minutes before he wanted to run around, which was fine with us since we were sitting outside. and wonderful meal was had by all!  and bryan got his bacon

then we went to the park for a bit.

cora and me at the park

later i made these cookie/cakie things i found on pinterest. the original recipe is a paleo one, but i used regular flour and real chocolate chips. the awesome part is there is no added sugar. they get their sweetness from bananas and the chocolate chips.

i tried a new work out in the afternoon – called the dailey method. during that time bryan took the kids to the park again. then we came home for dinner, baths and some evening movie with snuggles.

week in the life conclusions:  i had a good time doing this again. i feel like i did a better job than last year at taking photos and i am proud of my effort because there were a lot of times that i thought getting the camera was more trouble than it was worth. but it proved to be worth while and a really great encouragement for me in regards to memory keeping. but i am glad i am done for now. taking, deleting and editing 100s of photos and then putting them here with the words that go with them for seven days in a row is no small feat these days. i am exhausted (and sore). and glad to return back to normal picture taking.

i took some pictures of the apartment in this quiet, empty state. even though i was able to get a lot done while alone, i prefer to have a full house, with toddler screams and baby giggles and “oh, toodles” somewhere in the back ground. but it is nice to have this kind of time to help me remember i feel that way

henry’s crib + its contents that morning: one pillow, 2 blankets, 2 frogs, a water bottle, a glowing lady bug, a glow, singing sea horse and about 1/8 of his library.  i love that this project encourages me to take photos like these.  now, at some point down the road, i will have this as a memory of what henry had in his crib at this date.  that part of it is so cool. i would never take a picture like this otherwise.

the photos in our bedroom.

the pile of stuff currently occupying the top of my dresser.  after this i left for yoga and i didn’t take any more pictures the rest of the day. bryan took the kids to the ferry building for the farmer’s market and the out to a pizza lunch (pizza is henry’s current favorite). I grabbed a quick lunch after class then BARTed it to Nordstroms for a dress fitting for ali’s wedding. then i came home and we just hung out around the house the rest of the day.

another great hair shot, but kind of a funky face.

cora woke up in a good mood, too!

henry figuring out the best strategy to reach the top shelves.

holding my cora girl

such good hair!

more good news: zip car moved into our building, meaning in order to use a car all i have to do is go downstairs. before, we had to walk a block or more to get a car. which was completely impossible with 2 kids + 2 car seats. but now, it is so possible. we took our inaugural drive to (where else?) roy’s house!!!

henry in the back.  he was pretty stoked. so we went out to noe valley, got some starbucks, visited a park and then headed back home. friday is treat day and i usually take the kids somewhere to get a special treat after midday nap. this day we went to the ferry building and got miette. that evening i met some mom-friends for dinner at zero zero. we had the very best time. i love having such awesome women around me who are experiencing the same parenting peaks and pits. people who i can rely on for support or answers to lame questions or a compassionate and non judgmental ear.  i am so lucky.

breakfast for c dog

dishes

coffee

grocery list. irony of the day: i forgot to add tortilla chips to the list and forgot to buy them for some soup i made. i also didn’t buy butter, even though it was on the list.

henry at the museum, takng other kids toys.

my daughter and me at the museum. she is cute.

henry playing on rocks

sibling snuggles

henry watching a movie before bed

we journeyed to the post office. i had to ship back some purchases and ship out some stuff to ohioans. henry was adamant that he “carry” a package. i/he got a lot of funny stares on the way to the post office.

then we made our way to the park. henry really wanted to play near this fountain. it kept him busy for quite a while. until we met our friends at 11 for lunch, actually. henry would later fall into this fountain. i didn’t get any pictures, but i will get to the story later.

waiting for our friends at la boulange. after lunch, we headed back to the fountain area so that henry could play some more and i could catch up with my friend. henry was doing a great job keeping himself occupied by throwing rocks into the fountain. at some point i looked up just in time to see henry slip right into the water. it was very shallow, so there was no risk to henry. he stood right up and was a little freaked out. i tried to remain as calm as i could and just kept saying “you’re fine. you’re fine.”. i got him out, realized all i had for him was a change of shirt, so i changed that and his diaper and i covered his legs with a blanket and we walked home. (quick aside: when i told my dad this happened, he told me he was proud of me for letting henry play by the fountain at the risk of him falling in. the only way he will learn to be careful is by getting wet! i am not sure why or how to explain it, but his reaction is hilarious to me.)

so we went home and henry was actually in a really great mood. i washed his hands, put some pants on him and we snuggled until nap time. then cora fell asleep on the couch.

and that was as far as i got for the day in photos. on to thursday!