henry turned 15 months on april 25th. he weighed in at 22 pounds and measures 29.5 inches tall. one of his new interests is his tummy. and other tummies – ones that belong to his parents, roy, and other babies. it is really adorable, because his main goal is to lift someone’s shirt and poke their belly button. but it can also be totally awkward when we are at the park and henry is assaulting a baby whose caretaker i don’t know. luckily, most people laugh it off.
we have spent some time talking to henry about his impending siblinghood. i don’t think gets it, because if he did he would probably look more like this:
henry has been continuing down his path of physical milestone domination. we started using spoons and forks and he is kind of really good at it for a baby his age. i was super impressed. and it encourages him to try more food he can spear with a fork – like melon, grapes and other fruit he has shied away from in the past.
these two guys continue to be the highlight of my week. these matching outfits were not initially planned. but you would NOT believe the number of people who asked me if they were twins this day. and i think we have decided to collaborate on similiar outfits in the future.
henry has been such a dicotomy lately. he is so loving, smiley and wonderful. but he can also diminish into a fit of rage when he doesn’t get his way. i realize its the age, the stage, the level of communication and the mix of feelings going on within him. and i get. it is hard to be so curious, opinionated and full of wants but not be able to clearly communicate it.
sometimes, getting toward the end of the day becomes quite difficult for me. i find that i am so spent and so exhausted once dinner, bath and wind down time come. and because of the way babies work, this is also when henry is at his craziest. during one of these frustrating, endless loops of “no, no, no”, i turned to henry and said “you are driving me crazy”. the instant the words escaped my mouth, i knew exactly where they had come from. my mother was making her presence known. she said these words to me as i was growing up countless times. and it never felt good. it was usually just me being me, and it was her hang ups about those things that upset her and made her angry. of course, as a kid, i had no idea and i thought there was something wrong with me. and after revisiting this moment of emotion, i knew i had to break the cycle immediately. it is ok for me to get frustrated, be tired and run low on patience. and it is ok for me to tell henry that i feel this way (not that he gets it quite yet). but it is not ok for me to let him being him “drive me crazy”. if i am being driven crazy, it is because i am letting it all get to me. it isn’t henry who is driving me crazy.
and then, because the universe is such a mystery and because, you know that guy God works in such amazing ways, i came across this blog. and read this:
” The nature of emotions is flow… I heard this the other day on a book on tape. And like a song that gets stuck in your head, it keeps coming back to me again and again. The nature of emotions is flow… And so I have been noticing how this is true, that if I can allow the big emotions in and not resist them, I can also allow them out. The same mechanism allows for both.
This has been my practice this week. The tide of hurt, sadness, fear, rushes in, sometimes in a roaring, deafening wave, and then flows back out. I notice that when I am trying to hold it together, to be strong, to “pull myself together” (was anyone else told this as a child?) the monster only gets bigger. It hardens and changes form. Instead of being like water it becomes more like sap, corrosive and sticky– and the flow is lost. This is when I become grumpy with the people I love… not soft or gentle, but pent up and anxious.”
and this is my directive now. to stay rooted in the present and let emotions flow. and to let henry be his crazy self and not have it get to me. i want henry to always feel safe to be himself in our home. i want him to always feel like he is enough and that he does not owe anybody anything. and it is really my job not to get in the way of that. and i am learning a lot about patience and love. and patience. sigh. and patience. but i am also learning a lot about 15 month old toddlers hugs, kisses, smiles and love. and it makes the other stuff a lot easier. i mean, just look at that chubby cheeked smile.
